Wednesday, February 28, 2007

The Future of the Human Race: From Ice Age to Ice Cream

I will die of a heart attack. Odds are, it will be sometime in my fifties, but Lord willing, this may not be the case. Heart disease runs on both sides of my family: my father died of a heart attack at 56, his father at 53, my mother had a stroke at 40. Other than being a little looney from time to time, she is still alive and the stroke has not impeded her quality of life. Therefore, as an attempt of some preventative maintenance and after much prodding from my loving wife (who continually reminds me that she does not want to be stuck here in this world with a mountain of debt and kids to put through college once I am dead an gone), I visited the doctor a few months ago to check the systems to make sure that they are still on go. This visit and family history resulted in a homework list from my physician prior if I desire to impart some health on my soon to be failing heart. The short list of five lifestyle changes were:

1. No fried foods. This one was not that tragic to Kimberly and me as we seek to avoid these things anyway, except for the occasion Chick-Fil-A fried chicken sandwich. We have since figured that there is not much else good on the menu of those cow haters. I digress…

2. Red meat not more than once per week. Speaking of cow haters...again, not that big of deal since we like chicken and vegetables and other things that promote…eh…movement from within.

3. No trans fat. If what I read about this stuff is true – NO PROBLEM! This is the stuff that widow makers are made of! Clogged arteries, here we come!

4. Exercise one hour per day. A little more difficult as I am not prone to physical exertion by any stretch of the imagination, but at least a goal to strive towards. Kimberly and I enjoy walking together in our neighborhood (she probably more than I) and this is a practice from which anyone can benefit.

The fifth item on the list, however, was a little more difficult. It meant giving up something that I truly cherished, treasured, and looked forward to on a daily basis. It was something that was so synonymous with the identity of Kimberly and I together that whenever people would give us a gift it would be a gift certificate to enjoy this. As wedding gifts, many individuals chose to bless us with accessories to enjoy this scrumptious treat and two (maybe three, I can’t remember) even gave us the ability to produce this ourselves. Kimberly says that her thighs suffered for it, but we still loved the practice nonetheless.

5. No ice cream.

Ohhhhh the horrors!! Are you sure? Can it possibly be?!?! Anything but that! Take my left arm, and replace it with an ice-cream scooping prosthetic!!! You can take my dreams, but not my creams!! Ahhh the humanity!

Alas, it was true. Ice Cream is another delight that can be deadly. It is a widow maker in itself as somehow something so yummy can be so bad for you all at the same time. I guess I’ll have to chock this one to the goodness of God vs the existence of evil and the sovereignty of God vs the free will of man as something that I may never fully understand on this side of eternity! Is ice cream in heaven non-fat, soy, or yogurt? Is there even anything fattening in heaven at all? Regardless, I can’t have it here.

Until now.

My wife just read this and said “what?!?!” If she will keep reading, she may come to an understanding that ice cream is indeed, not only a healthy decision to make, but the propagation of the human race and our family bloodline may depend on its consumption. And since I do not want to be responsible for the destruction of humanity because of my own desires, then I should probably submit to the reality that my ice cream consumption is depending on me!

This may seem like a lot of pressure to put on one individual, but here’s the scoop: The Harvard School of Public Health released a study yesterday finding that “women who ate two or more low-fat dairy products a day were nearly twice as likely to have trouble conceiving because of lack of ovulation than women who ate less than one serving of such foods a week. Conversely, women who ate at least one fatty dairy food a day were 27 percent less likely to have this problem.” There you have it, the future of the human race is completely dependent on our consumption of the forbidden cream - at least the coming of the next Armstrong generation. True, this refers to women’s dietary habits, but shouldn’t I, as a loving husband, want to support my wife in her endeavors to bring a little bundle of joy into life? Absolutely! Therefore, I am declaring the ice cream fast officially over after three months in progress. Not so fast, says my wife. I can tell that this is going to be a rocky road.

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